The first Monday of a new week, and yesterday’s revelation about me being out with my word count had thrown me. I was feeling really disheartened, and this showed in my writing – everything I wrote felt wrong, and it felt like I’d run out of steam with my plot. I felt this pressure to catch up to where I thought I had been with my word count, which was stupid as I was already ahead. I kept feeling like what I’d planned back in Ocotber wasn’t going to stretch for a whole novel, and that the narrative had become really boring. I struggled to ignore it and push myself into writing something – anything that meant I got past that 1,667 daily word goal. I spent most of my free time typing up, and felt much better when at two thirds through the written stuff I’d managed to clock in a decent 12,500. I always write everything out in longhand in a notebook first – I don’t know why but it just feels more like being a proper writer that way.
Tuesday felt way more positive. I focused on the fact that I had written way more than I should have done, and didn’t really have anything to worry about. I tried to focus on the positives and not to worry so much – I had written about 20,000 words and it had only been 7 days. I felt way more confident in myself that this was a doable achievement. After all, I had managed to find time to write every day, something I have been yet to achieve this whole year. After NaNoWriMo, if I could keep this up it would mean I would be way more productive with my writing.
The rest of the week passed in fluctuation – I had really good days where I felt sooo positive about my story, where I managed to find a plot thread that made me feel so much better. Though there were other days where I struggled to hit my daily word count, more due to things happening in my personal life (getting stuck in a ditch on the way home, being stuck in a pub until it closed because I’d had a lift there and no way to get back to my car earlier). Overall by the end of the week I’d managed to clock in just over 30,000 words.
I was worried that my story was stagnating, and worried that I hadn’t written enough to move onto the next plot point. About half way through the week I wondered whether I should even change my idea, to make sure that I had enough to write about. Later on I thought about how stupid that was, considering how much effort I had put into this novel idea. I hadn’t realised that writing was basically a massive amount of sitting around internally screaming and worrying that you were doing everything wrong. It’s so hard to overlook the bad things and focus on what you’ve managed to achieve in this time! People who claim that writing isn’t a “real job” have honest to God no idea how difficult it is. You constantly feel like what you do isn’t good enough, but if you sat around focusing on that and trying to make everything perfect you wouldn’t get anything written. I had thought the mild panic I felt when writing stuff like this was only because I hadn’t written something this long before, but no – that comes part and parcel with writing.
I’m most of the way towards my goal, and I’m only half way through November – this is way further than I thought I would be by now! Plus I am so proud of myself for staying so committed to my writing – even if what I’ve written so far is crap, this is a pretty awesome achievement. If you had told me at the start of the year that I would have written a novel, I would have laughed at you and said no way. Especially if you had changed that number to two novels. This makes me think that maybe I’m not so far off my goal of being a writer – the only thing standing in my way is getting published.
Sunday had such a positive end to it – I’ve managed to achieve so much in such a short space of time, I hadn’t believed myself capable of this. Hopefully next week will be just as productive, and I’ll manage to get closer to that oh so important final word count!